Jews vs Aliens Read online

  JEWS

  VS

  ALIENS

  EDITED BY

  REBECCA LEVENE &

  LAVIE TIDHAR

  First published 2015 by Jurassic London

  SW8 1XN, Great Britain

  www.jurassic-london.com

  978-0-9928435-4-0 (eBook)

  “Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars” © copyright Andrea Phillips 2015

  “On the Matter of Meroz” © copyright Roseanne Rabinowitz 2015

  “Alien Thoughts” © copyright Eric Kaplan 2015

  “The Reluctant Jew” © copyright Rachel Swirsky 2015

  “To Serve... Breakfast” © copyright Jay Caselberg 2015

  “The Farm” © copyright Elana Gomel 2015

  “Don’t Blink” © copyright Gon Ben Ari 2015

  “Nameless and Shameless” © copyright Lois H. Gresh 2015

  “The Ghetto” © copyright Matthue Roth 2015

  “Excision” © copyright Naomi Alderman 2015

  Edited by Rebecca Levene and Lavie Tidhar

  Cover by Sarah Anne Langton

  www.secretarcticbase.com

  eBook conversion by handebooks.co.uk

  The right of the authors to be identified as the authors of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owners.

  Contents

  Introduction

  Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars

  Andrea Phillips

  The Matter of Meroz

  Rosanne Rabinowitz

  Alien Thoughts

  Eric Kaplan

  The Reluctant Jew

  Rachel Swirsky

  To Serve… Breakfast

  Jay Caselberg

  The Farm

  Elana Gomel

  Don’t Blink

  Gon Ben Ari

  Nameless and Shameless

  Lois H. Gresh

  The Ghetto

  Matthue Roth

  Excision

  Naomi Alderman

  Contributors

  About the Charity

  INTRODUCTION

  The alien in science fiction, it is often said, stands in for the Other in all its myriad forms. I like to think sometimes a four-armed Martian warrior is just a four-armed Martian warrior, as Freud would have said, but the point stands. The legendary Golden Age editor, John W. Campbell Jr., famously objected to authors’ use of their overtly-Jewish names, suggesting a pseudonym – because “the readers won’t like it”. Isaac Asimov got away with it (his first short story was already published in a non-Campbell magazine) but well recalled Campbell’s gentle conviction of the superiority of the white Nordic male. Indeed, the reason there are no aliens in Asimov’s Foundation trilogy is due to Campbell’s editorial demands that aliens be presented as inferior to humanity.

  To Campbell, of course, the Jews were the aliens – but what happens when the roles are reversed? Rebecca Levene and I have asked a group of today’s writers to tell us. Appropriately, they come from across the Jewish Diaspora – from the United States and Israel, the former USSR, Australia and England – and I hope their responses delight you as much as they have us.

  In the tradition of Tzedakah, all money earned will be donated to charity. You can read about our chosen charity in About The Charity at the end. I’d like to thank my co-editor, Rebecca, our publisher, Jared, and all our writers, for making this little book possible. If you enjoy it, you might care to check its companion volume, Jews vs Zombies, since we couldn’t resist doing both!

  Lavie Tidhar

  2015

  ANTAIUS FLOATING IN THE HEAVENS AMONG THE STARS

  ANDREA PHILLIPS

  A glossy holobrochure on very fine, super-heavyweight haptic sheeting. Fabricated with remarkably high (and visibly expensive) production values.

  Welcome to Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars, the galaxy’s premiere spot for luxurious accommodation, fine dining, and views so beautiful they are capable of halting your autonomous biological functions temporarily!

  We will unquestioningly conform to every physically possible detail and notion you request from us in writing, no matter your species or individual tastes.

  Festive and Sombre Cultural Celebrations

  Public Mating Rituals

  Status-Acquiring Occasions

  Propaganda Assemblies

  Corporate Events

  Sublimate Your Guests With Luxury at Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars

  Our sweeping views of the burning heart of the galaxy as it destroys itself are sure to make your antennae quiver with self-abnegation, superstitious fervour, and romance! But the luxury does not stop with astronomical features detectable from our location. We also have extensive internal luxurious accommodation available!

  At Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars, our decor is specified and executed on a case-by-case for each event that we contractually host. Icefalls, slime baths, neuroreactive lighting, olfactory gardens, intoxicant clouds, conductive netting – make a wish and we will generate it!

  If you are the outdoorsy type, we can obtain botanical and non-sentient life from any planet and in any stage of development to replicate a specific ecosystem. If your tastes run to nanoplatinum sheeting and electrocrystal matrices, this also can be created!

  Comfort That Cannot Be Compared to Other Comforts You May Be Familiar With

  We are fully knowledgeable regarding the diverse variety of customs, preferences, and physical requirements of every sentient species recorded in the K6-nn?%n9A Guide to Galactic Life. With our team of xenologists, exobiologists, and cyber-hybrid maintenance and waitstaff, you may rest easy knowing that every molecule you respirate and ingest will not only be uncontaminated by potentially fatal microtoxins and disease agents… it will also be completely enjoyable to all of your pertinent sensory apparatus!

  Please note that some types of accommodation may incur additional fees, including but not limited to events requiring an atmosphere over 0.38% hydrochloric acid, pressures exceeding 823 kPa, or contraband items in violation of the Frou!ah!hehoa-Smith-Lllrwykp Treaty.

  Sent via interpost:

  My Darling Rachel,

  Mazel tov on your happy news! Now that you’re going to be taking care of my little Michael, I just wanted to make sure you’re absolutely clear on all of his preferences for the wedding so you can make sure he has everything he needs on his happy day. Consider it my little gift to my new daughter!

  First, did you make sure you can get real champagne and caviar imported all that way? Michael prefers top quality, even if it takes a little more work. And I’m sure you know to get no roses for the chuppah, and no soy on the menu at all. Michael has always been allergic and the last thing you need is for him to wheeze and swell up on your wedding night. Oh, and you really must include those little cocktail franks during the cocktail hour. I know they’re not the most highbrow thing, but they are his absolute favourite, so you simply must have them. Boys will be boys!

  One more thing – you remember that our Uncle David is a rabbi and his family are very, very frum, of course? You know I don’t care one way or the other if the wedding is kosher or who sits where, I’m very easy to please, but the way you put on your affair is going to have certain implications for how the family recei
ves you.

  Love and kisses!

  Your New Mum

  Printed in an ornate script on old-fashioned creamy vellum card stock:

  Hors D’oeuvres

  Crudité with olives and pickles

  Skewered fruits from the Seven Systems

  Caviar and smoked salmon three ways

  Roasted game fowl

  Oxygen bar

  Pigs in blankets

  First Course

  Salad of crisp Ooolovoba seaweed with citrus and puffed hazelnut

  Main Course

  Chateaubriand with flamed Velgan whiskey demiglace

  Baby lamb chop with rosemary mist

  Lentil patty with curry-raisin broth

  Whipped potato with three toppings

  Mirepoix spears

  Dessert

  Five-layer wedding cake with chocolate-cinnamon frosting

  Gemmalian iceplum sorbet (sugar-free)

  Sent via interpost:

  Dear Rachel,

  You know I’m not a complainer and I hate to complain, but I have to tell you that ever since you told me you’re holding a wedding at that place run by those awful aliens, I just haven’t been able to sleep at night. Are you sure this place is safe? Can they even put on a nice affair? Have they ever done something for humans before?

  They say it’s just like holding an event for the Loofpahrigas, but I don’t believe it for a second. And I’m absolutely sure those tentacle-faced bags of swamp gas don’t keep kosher! I’m not saying you have to put on a kosher wedding, you know I’m not picky and I don’t care one way or the other, but as I’ve mentioned, some of the family are very observant.

  Mazel Tov,

  Edith

  There is a hand-written message at the bottom:

  Just ignore her, honey. I’ll call tonight and handle this myself.

  – M

  An officially certified letter delivered via interpost, heavy with legal witness stamps and seals:

  To Whom This May Concern:

  As mentioned during our final tasting event last night at Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars, we have a lot of concerns about our upcoming wedding and the way that you plan to handle it. I know there have been some personnel changes since you hosted the completely lovely Bank of United Centauri end-of-fiscal-year party last year, but that is no excuse at all. The degree of incompetence you have displayed is nothing short of shocking.

  First off, that ‘lingering trace amount of methane’ is beyond revolting and you have to get rid of it entirely. Zero methane, do you understand me? I don’t care what you say is an acceptable concentration for oxygen-based atmospheres, it’s just disgusting and we won’t tolerate it.

  The decorations were also completely lacking in taste. This is indeed a ‘mating ritual’, but that DOES NOT mean we want decorations shaped like human genitalia! It was positively vulgar, not to mention embarrassing, and I’m absolutely sure my future mother-in-law will never forgive me for this. I’m attaching several holograms from other weddings to this missive to make absolutely sure you know what we consider appropriate to the occasion.

  The menu was also completely, catastrophically wrong. I understand that your offerings are ‘perfectly nutritive’ and won’t kill human beings, but that doesn’t mean we WANT to eat things from the oceans of Europa that look like nightmares, or desserts garnished with Trbillleagh tree-slime. It may be exotic and fashionable to be adventurous with alien intoxicants in some circles, but it is not to our taste, not in our contract, and there is no way we’re paying for it.

  The cake was better. At least it seemed to be actual cake, but the frosting should NOT be lentil paste. That is NOT EVER an acceptable substitute for chocolate. And where were the pigs in blankets, the puffed hazelnuts, or the lentil patties, I ask you? It’s like you didn’t even look at the menu we agreed upon!

  It is also imperative that everything be kosher, which I gravely doubt was the case yesterday! Your services are not cheap, so if you don’t know how to do a kosher meal yourself, I’m paying you enough money to hire a rabbi to certify everything on the spot. You said you could when we asked. Don’t think for a millisecond we won’t be holding you to your commitments.

  With the wedding coming up in just 3.8 spins, we don’t have time to break the contract and book a different venue, or reissue invitations so our guests can rearrange their travel plans. But I’m telling you now, if you don’t get every detail right on the day of my wedding, we’re taking you straight to court.

  Respectfully Yours,

  Rachel Cohen

  An internal document from the Galactic-Class Discreet and Attentive Luxury Hospitality Hive Mind #1005587, proprietors of Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars:

  Problem: Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual expresses emotional dissatisfaction with physical demonstration of mating ritual service offerings, despite high-quality luxury offerings in line with legally binding written agreement of service.

  Suggestion: Examine Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual written report of emotional dissatisfaction carefully for actionable items to improve service offering in line with expectations.

  Observation: Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual speaks favourably of a prior experience with Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars.

  Observation: Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual assumes we possess a high degree of familiarity with species-specific trivia due to prior favourable experience.

  Observation: Such knowledge was once available but is now unavailable since dissolution of our union with former member Harry Locantore.

  Concern: No species expert compatible with Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual is available at this time.

  Suggestion: Cancel contract.

  Concern: Potential legal liability for unexpected disruption of time-sensitive mating ritual.

  Concern: Reputation of Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars may suffer more than 2.08% threshold for tolerable quantities of negative reputation should dissatisfied client testimony emerge.

  Resolved: Reputation of Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars and Galactic-Class Discreet and Attentive Luxury Hospitality Hive Mind #1005587 are business objectives more important than other objectives with lesser priorities.

  Resolved: Excellent service must be delivered to Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual. Proceed with intensive independent research into species-specific environment, mating habits, and taboos in order to deliver a service in line with existing positive reputation.

  Concern: Such research may be costly to such an extent that it surpasses the price agreed upon in the legally binding written agreement of service.

  Resolved: Profit is a lesser objective in the situation involving Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual, because reputation of Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars and Galactic-Class Discreet and Attentive Luxury Hospitality Hive Mind #1005587 are higher priorities determining future course of business as a whole.

  Observation: Client #4487J-Cohen-Halevi/mating ritual is of species subtype Sol-Human-Spacebound-Cis/Het-Jew.

  Observation: Reference materials indicate species subtype is a 91.98% match with major traditions and physiology of Wazn-Beehao-Spacebound-Flex/Ase-Wruachh.

  Observation: New applicant to join the hive named Eeeshee-5998 has documented in job application total fluency with major traditions and physiology of Wazn-Beehao-Spacebound-Flex/Ase-Wruachh.

  Suggestion: Hire new applicant and conduct mating ritual in accordance with practices suggested by new species subject matter expert, thus saving money and providing excellent service compatible with existing positive reputation.

  Resolved: Hire applicant. Proceed with mating ritual.

  A news article in The New Singapore Chronicle:

  Bride Sees Red Over Live Pigs

  The new Mrs. Rachel Cohen-Halevi is suing posh restaurateur and event manager Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars afte
r what she claims to be a poorly orchestrated wedding that ‘completely ruined my day and set a dark cloud over my new married life.’

  Chief among her complaints: ‘When I asked for pigs in blankets, I certainly didn’t mean actual live pigs wrapped in flannels! Even the poorest xenosociologist on their staff should have known better.’ Cohen-Halevi claims that the presence of these swine was unsanitary and in violation of food safety standards, an affront to her religious beliefs, and ‘made our whole wedding seem like a trashy joke’.

  Antaius Floating in the Heavens Among the Stars defended its service vehemently. The hive issued a statement reading in part, ‘The customer’s requests were unreasonably unspecific and we cannot be blamed for any failures resulting from her own lack of communication with us regarding her specific preferences.’

  Cohen-Halevi is suing for *3.7 billion in reparations for mental cruelty plus punitive fines for another *18 billion.

  Sent via interpost:

  Rachel,

  For obvious reasons, the family isn’t comfortable with coming to you for seder this year. We expect Michael will be joining us at home, naturally.

  As for you, I don’t want to say you’re not welcome, of course you’re welcome, but we think it might be better for everyone if you celebrate on your own this year. Do have a lovely holiday!

  Best!

  Edith

  THE MATTER OF MEROZ

  ROSANNE RABINOWITZ

  Samuel’s mind is ablaze from tzaddik Avrom’s lecture.

  He nudges his friend Lev. ‘Bet they didn’t teach about that at yeshiva!’

  An old fellow in the front row turns around to glower at the boys. Then with a fury of phlegmatic throat-clearing he opens the discussion.

  ‘Tzaddik, will you explain just how beings from other worlds could have souls? Hashem bestowed the Torah on Man. There is only one Torah as there is only God. And we are the only creatures who have been granted free will by Hashem.’

  The tzaddik counters: ‘But each congregation has its own Torah, so why shouldn’t each world have its version of the sacred scrolls?’

  He runs his fingers through his ginger and grey beard as he thinks. ‘Look at the Book of Judges, where the prophetess Deborah curses the inhabitants of a place called Meroz for not helping the Israelites fight the Canaanite general Sisera. But where is a place called Meroz? No one knows, though there are references to stars. So the Talmud concludes that Meroz must be a star or planet. So wouldn’t this curse recognise that the inhabitants of Meroz have the ability to think, to choose between good and evil?’